0 trading mountains for cornfields

i hate goodbyes. i have had to say a lot of goodbyes the twenty years i have been alive and every time i am always reduced to a weeping mass on the floor, while my friends hold me like a small child in the fetal position. i was a wreck when i left for thanksgiving break because i knew it was a small taste of what this spring semester would be like. i know, it seems a little ridiculous to be so upset merely anticipating a goodbye that is months away, but i couldn't help it. overactive tear ducts have always accompanied my goodbyes.

moral of the story: i have an abnormal animosity towards goodbye. they crush me.

coming on this trip i was terrified if i left home that i would be alone, fearing that i would not connect with anyone here or that the people i had grown close to in upland would forget and replace me. people continually told me this wouldn't be the case, but i didn't believe them. they were right (of course).

i ended up finding family and feeling more at home here in greystones than i have in a long time. previously it has always been easier for me to push people away to avoid getting hurt or to avoid goodbyes, but this trip has taught me how beautiful opening myself up can be.

my time in ireland has been refreshing and healing, teaching me how to accept myself as God's beloved creation and also viewing others in this light.

C.S. Lewis said:

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vulnerable.

being vulnerable is difficult and sometimes even painful. but opening myself up to the people here (and back home) has been the most rewarding experience.

i will be leaving my home here in ireland in a few days and i will leave a piece of my heart here, but this chapter of my life will remain alive in my memories and the friendships that have forever altered me.

now it is time for me to go back to the cornfields and start a new chapter. this next chapter will look different than ireland did, but it will still be beautiful and full of new adventures.  it will be different, but it needs to be.

i am going to miss you, ireland, but it is time for me to come home.

S.O.T. forever and always