time has always fascinated me. it moves so slowly, yet we still struggle to hold onto the past as if years pass in the span of one single instant. we spend our whole lives trying to understand time, beat time, and master the art of avoiding time. yet, somehow every time we think we have it figured out it evades us, and we realize we spent so much time dwelling on the past or the future that we missed out on the present.
i have been struggling lately to accept the fact that i cannot live in the past nor can i solely focus on the future. and 'struggling' is putting it lightly. let's be honest, right now i am waging world war three with time, and time is winning, seeing as time can't stop and won't stop.
i miss people that are no longer living in the present, but were part of chapters of life in the past. i also dwell on obsessing over all the tiny seemingly insignificant details in my future that i am unsure of. in the meantime i am missing out on all the fun, weird, and unique experience that the present has to offer me.
lately, i have been challenged to live in my present and take life one day at a time, appreciating what my present has to offer me. my heart still aches when i think about the the people and places i miss from my past, but focusing solely on these moments prevents me from falling in love with new experiences.
in the world we live in it seems like most people live with a false sense of self. we either think we are too much, not enough, or find ourselves consumed with the fact that we don't look like the Photoshopped models in magazines that assault us and impress upon us an ideal standard of beauty. who says that is what beauty is anyways? a magazine? celebrities that have access to chemicals and treatments that distort and transform their physical body, altering the way they were uniquely created?
in the past i worried about my appearance constantly, thinking if i could just look a particular way then everything would be perfect. i would have achieved the status of being a 'good woman' and the world would love me more. but lately i have been learning that frankly is not true. not at all.
i don't look like women in magazines. but i do look like arianne. and i am thankful for that. our imperfections, our quirks make us unique. these intricate details were instilled in us as God formed us each into an artistic creation.
i have begun looking at my body. my whole body. my physical body. i am beginning to learn that i am a whole being. i am not defined by my stomach or my thighs. i want to delight in the beauty of each part of my body and my body as a whole, instead of feeling shame over individual parts that may not seem ideal.
i want to be loved for me. for arianne. who i am, not a person that i am trying to imitate. i want to be loved in a way that is whole and beautiful, being loved and appreciated for what i have to offer not accepted on the condition that i alter my body to be 'perfect' by some warped ideal.
laughter is beautiful. wrinkles and the wisdom that comes with age are beautiful. laugh lines and scars that illustrate part of someone's story and journey are beautiful. the way our bodies gracefully transition into old age after we have spent a lifetime maturing is beautiful. the way a child allows their hair to carelessly fly every which way as they look at the world with carefree wonder is beautiful. you are all beautiful: stretch marks, thighs, stomachs, too much here, not enough there, your nose, your skin, your hair. all of you. you are you and that is beautiful.
i am loved. i am significant. i am Christ's beloved and He is mine. and so are you, dear ones.
what do i find beautiful? joy and authenticity. to me, that is beauty.
first of all, i apologize for neglecting to blog all summer. this summer was relaxing and provided me with a sense of peace, comfort, and the knowledge that i was exactly where i belonged. however, while this was marvelous and much needed, blogging didn't really fit into my relaxing summer soaking up the natural beauty and creative fun small town indiana has to offer. a computer screen didn't really appeal to me when i had the choice of watching the stars from my roof or taking walks as the sun set over corn fields. sorry, not sorry.
while this summer was lovely and filled with frozen yogurt, trips to the zoo, coffee dates, kittens, and laughter, it inevitably came to an end. this new chapter of junior year held long bike trips, a new position as the PA of my wing, and more strenuous classes. terrifying. absolutely terrifying.
i entered this semester expecting perfection from myself: expecting to be a perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect friend, perfect girlfriend, perfect PA, and perfect student. i know, pretty ambitious. you would think i was super woman or something. i felt an insufferable amount of pressure that i alone had placed upon myself. i quickly became overwhelmed and consumed by the scheduling and planning, instead of seeing this new semester as what it really is: an adventure.
sure this adventure has more stress and pressure than the adventures of my summer, but that doesn't discredit its potential. i want to expectantly look forward to this semester, both its difficulties and its adventures, appreciating life as it unfolds instead of missing out by rushing through it.
summer no longer would have been an adventure if it would have stretched on forever. it would have been relaxing and comfortable for a while but eventually it would have become predictable. life is much more meaningful when it is unexpected and forcing us to stretch and grow in new ways, even when that isn't always fun or easy.
life is made up of little moments, and this year i would like to learn to see my semester with new eyes, searching for the little moments that make life so meaningful and authentically beautiful.
i hate goodbyes. i have had to say a lot of goodbyes the twenty years i have been alive and every time i am always reduced to a weeping mass on the floor, while my friends hold me like a small child in the fetal position. i was a wreck when i left for thanksgiving break because i knew it was a small taste of what this spring semester would be like. i know, it seems a little ridiculous to be so upset merely anticipating a goodbye that is months away, but i couldn't help it. overactive tear ducts have always accompanied my goodbyes.
moral of the story: i have an abnormal animosity towards goodbye. they crush me.
coming on this trip i was terrified if i left home that i would be alone, fearing that i would not connect with anyone here or that the people i had grown close to in upland would forget and replace me. people continually told me this wouldn't be the case, but i didn't believe them. they were right (of course).
i ended up finding family and feeling more at home here in greystones than i have in a long time. previously it has always been easier for me to push people away to avoid getting hurt or to avoid goodbyes, but this trip has taught me how beautiful opening myself up can be.
my time in ireland has been refreshing and healing, teaching me how to accept myself as God's beloved creation and also viewing others in this light.
C.S. Lewis said:
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
being vulnerable is difficult and sometimes even painful. but opening myself up to the people here (and back home) has been the most rewarding experience.
i will be leaving my home here in ireland in a few days and i will leave a piece of my heart here, but this chapter of my life will remain alive in my memories and the friendships that have forever altered me.
now it is time for me to go back to the cornfields and start a new chapter. this next chapter will look different than ireland did, but it will still be beautiful and full of new adventures. it will be different, but it needs to be.
i am going to miss you, ireland, but it is time for me to come home.
13 days. i have 13 days left in this magical fairytale world filled with the greenest greens and the bluest blues. it feels like i only just arrived here, yet at the same time it feels like i have lived here my whole life. weird how time can feel so contradictory, isn't it?
i have been stretched and consequentially have grown and learned more about life, friends, family, love, myself, and a different culture in the span of three months than i thought possible. it is time for this chapter to come to an end and for a new one to begin, and while i am excited to be re-united with all of you beloved gems back in the americas, a large part of my heart will stay here in ireland. i will dearly miss this country and the friendships i have formed.
in years past i have prayed that God would place people in my life that would be able to accept me for who i am: awkward, eccentric, passionate, head-strong arianne. i desired to be surrounded by people that would not only accept me for who i am without judgment, but would also challenge me to pursue God on a daily basis, founding my identity in Christ above all else. i wanted people who would hold me and listen to me as i cried and who would also laugh at stupid things with me even when there really seemed to be anything to laugh at. i wanted to share my stories and grow from other people's experiences, feeling free to say whatever came to our mind or express whatever it was either of us were truly feeling. i wanted people who would stay by my side, regardless of life's circumstances.
and God gave me that with all of you. i have been blessed with a beautiful group of men and women on this trip and back home who have continually amazed me these past months, showing me what it truly looks like to accept and love people for who God made them to be.
i love all of you dear ones to the moon and back. thank you for being here for me.
today i found my favorite place in the world. i realize this is quite a statement to make, but it is true. i found paradise. a piece of my heart will always be at hook lighthouse, and i hope and pray that i will be able to visit again.
it was so freeing to have several hours to explore caves and rocky beaches along the irish sea. i am always amazed at the power and beauty of the ocean, portraying God's immense power and control over everything. it never ceases to take my breath away.
whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it's always ourselves we find in the sea ee cummings
i am currently on spring break, and there are only a few of us left who opted to stay here in Greystones. at first, i was terribly disappointed at the prospect of not being able to travel the world, exploring Rome or Paris or London or some exotic European country my heart has always longed to visit. however, that was simply not going to work unless hundreds of euros magically floated into my hands (which is highly unlikely, considering i live in the real world, not a fairytale, where i am a poor student, not an enchanting princess with woodland creatures that help make all my dreams come true).
i went into this weekend with dissapointment and apprehension, not wanting to merely waste my free time in coolnagreina (the ywca where i live). however, as the weekend continues i have quickly come to realize that maybe i needed to stay here in greystones to learn something: life is beautiful regardless of where we are placed and is not something to be rushed through.
it is very easy for me to look towards the future, looking forward to being reunited with people or coming home to my favorite places without truly appreciating the little moments i have been given here in Ireland. i may not be in Paris, but i am in Ireland. Ireland! the land of sheep and green rolling mountains and the glorious blue sea!
life is about little moments and i would like to learn to appreciate all of them, recognizing and appreciating beauty in all of its forms: in graffiti, in the ways people's eyes light up when they talk about what they love, in art, in the sea, in quaint vintage bookstores.
the more i am here, the more i am learning to appreciate the simplicity of life. there is something to be said for grand gestures or extravagant events, but there is also something to be said about the simple everyday joys. sometimes grand adventures are needed, but i also don't want to take for granted the little things.
below is my favorite spoken word poem: "If I should have a daughter" by Sarah Kay. it is absolutely breathtaking, so please be enchanted by its beauty.
my favorite line reads: "always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining."
darlings, please allow yourself to be wonderstruck by all the beauty this world has to offer.
life is chaotic and beautiful at the same time. days like today are difficult because i see all the blessings and beauty surrounding me, yet i also realize that i am surrounded by a lot of pain and suffering too.
it is difficult to know which to focus on and how to properly divide my attention between the two.
God is slowly teaching me that i can't fix all the pain in the world. i could try, but i would inevitably fail and end up more exhausted than when i started. i need to trust in His sufficient grace and allow Him to work through the hurt and the pain, carrying my burdens and the burdens of those around me.
i am trying to be present in every single moment, never taking the opportunities that i have for granted, even when life is difficult. i think we all need to learn to dance and laugh and do whatever it is that makes us feel alive, making beautiful memories every day in spite of the hurt. but we also need to know we don't have to be afraid to cry or be sad, knowing that God will carry each and every one of us through every trial if we only allow Him to. it is a difficult balance, for sure.
take hold of this life, soaking up every single moment. and most importantly, read poetry....it will soothe your soul.
i love love. i think it is absolutely beautiful and have always adored hearing stories of grand romantic gestures ever since i was a little girl.
yesterday we had the privilege of visiting kilmainham gaol, which is a former prison where many leaders of the Irish rebellion were imprisoned and executed during the early 1900s. the section in particular that caught my attention was the last letter exhibit that displayed letters from prisoners who wrote their last words to spouses, parents, and loved ones shortly before they were executed.
the story of Joseph and Grace Plunkett was particularly moving. shortly before Joseph was executed, the couple was given a 10 minute wedding ceremony directly before he was led to his death.
the letter shown below was written to his beloved Grace asking for her hand in marriage.
it reads:
Darling Grace,
You will marry me and nobody else. I have a damned fool and a blind imbecile but thank God I see...I love you and you only and will never love anyone else.
Your love,
Joe
precious and heartbreaking, isn't it? i hope that you appreciate this breathtaking expression of love, my dear ones.
i thought i would share some of the beautiful things in my life. like hearts and coffee and beautiful colors and adorable cafes and old books. enjoy, my dear ones!
i love laughter. i think joy is the most beautiful feeling to both witness and personally experience. yesterday was filled with not only laughter, but the ocean and cupcakes and friends and ireland and new art supplies and ben and jerry's. so basically yesterday was enchanting.
however, this past week has been overwhelming, exhausting, and draining. yet, as we sat on the rocks overlooking the ocean this morning, singing praise songs by the sea for chapel, i was challenged to not focus so much on the stress and worry that inevitably exists in life, but to focus on God's beauty and the spectacular things He does each and every day. i could focus on how hard this week was for me, or i could realize how much beauty surrounds me every day and how blessed i am to be in such a vibrant country.
1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you"
i hope you are enjoying your Easter Sunday, spending time with family, eating to your heart's content, and reflecting on the miracle of Jesus' resurrection. i also hope that you are not forced to come into contact with any Easter bunny costumes. because they are terrifying and quite haunting if we are being honest. i went to Saint Patrick's Church of Ireland in Greystones today and while it was lovely, i quite missed getting to celebrate with my family at home in the States.
i was sent an Easter e-mail from my father this morning that had a breathtaking article attached. i think this article (written by a mother, intended for her son) needs to be heard. i have included an excerpt, but i highly recommend reading it in its entirety on Ann Voskamp's blog A Holy Experience.
"Real Manhood means you don’t get
drunk,and a man can get drunk on a lot more than alcohol.
Men drunk on power, on control, on
ego, lose more than all inhibition — they lose The Way, their own souls. Men
drunk on anything can destroy everything and real manhood thirsts for
righteousness.
Real Manhood means peer pressure
only makes you stronger in Christ.
Real Manhood means you take
responsibility for your body.
A woman’s immodesty is never an
excuse for a man’s irresponsibility. Responsible men — are response-able. This
is your job. A woman has her’s. Focus on yours. Real Men don’t focus
responsibility on women staying “pure” but on men not pressuring. (Truth is, none of us are pure, Son, and the onus is on you, Son, to
pursue holiness.)
Your Dad and I need you to know:
Real Men never pressure but
treasure. No one tries to crush a diamond.
Because pressuring a girl? Is
blackmail, coercion and repeated robbery attempts. You’re meant to be a man,
not the mafia. When you’re pressuring a girl for what you want — is your
flag to lean into Jesus who will give you what you need.
The thing is: Real Manhood means you
hallow womanhood. A woman isn’t a toy to amuse your lusts, a thing to
aggrandize your ego, a trophy to adorn your manhood. A woman is of your rib,
who birthed your rib, who cupped your rib, who is meant to be gently cherished
at your rib, at your side.
The culture of boys will be boys —
means girls will be garbage and you were made for more than this, Son. Your Dad
and I believe boys will be godly and boys will be honoring and boys will be
humble."
i think this not only shows a beautiful representation of what a Christian man is supposed to be, but also challenges me as a Christian women. as girls, we are quick to insult men, always complaining that we wish there were more 'good men' in the world, without ever asking ourselves if we ourselves are being good women. we have expectations and lists of what we want in a man, but do we challenge ourselves to grow in Christ and be the type of woman that the 'good man' we talk about would want to be with? if we want someone to devote their life to Christ, living a life of grace and truth, do we also live up to that expectation ourselves?
men and women of Christ both need to strive to live a Godly life, no matter what, not allowing ourselves to be conformed and influenced by the world and its set of expectations. we need to honor and respect each other, not de-valuing either gender.
it can be downright exhausting to meet all the expectations society forces upon us. there are so many molds that we are expected to fit in and a long list of beauty requirements being thrown at us from every direction by different forms of media. we can never be skinny enough, have flawless enough skin......there is always a beauty product to fix us.
in fact, The Real Truth About Beauty study conducted by the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty found that only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful. this breaks my heart. the world has warped us into thinking perfection is a certain ideal and that we must reach it to be truly beautiful and to have any hope at happiness and that just isn't true. true beauty is not a physical attribute that must be sought
after through plastic surgery, flawless skin, and unattainable bodies;
true beauty is an essence that was instilled in every human being since
birth when God Himself created all of us, as He handcrafted each
individual to be exactly who they are.
today i had to walk across dublin in the freezing cold with high winds and piercing rain for several hours and in the process was soaked from head to toe. needless to say, our entire group looked like a hot mess. (emphasis most certainly not on the hot) we looked sad. and cold. and kind of like dogs that had just rolled around in a puddle. situations like this and having to deal with irish weather have taught me (more like forced me) into not caring about my physical appearance. if i want to look good here.....well too bad. because irish rain won't allow for it.
do you want to know the great thing? it doesn't matter. in fact, when i am not worrying about looking good or composed or classy, i am so much happier. i don't have to worry about anything other than being me. and loving life. and that is beautiful.
i don't want to worry about meeting the worlds expectations anymore. i end up exhausted and the harder i try the more unhappy i am. i want to be able to rock my ghetto sweatpants and no make-up, i want to dance like an awkward fool, i want to laugh till i cry. i don't want to wait for people to aprove of my life, my appearance, and my behavior. i want to live life and soak up every moment. i want to take a hold of this life and live it, regardless of
the opinions of others.
embrace who you are. be crazy or awkward or silly or whoever it is you are, my dear.
today it is so bitterly cold that it permeates my whole being and i nearly turn into a frozen mass rendered incapable of functioning as a normal human. (even while i sit next to a heater on a bench with three other people, huddling together for warmth). not only is it cold, it is raining and frozen streams of hate pelt you in the face whenever you step outside. welcome to ireland.
days like today call for poetry. poetry has a way of highlighting the beauty in life even when everything else seems to be going wrong. poetry fills me with hope and warms my heart even when my physical body is frozen. i hope this will also add some joy and beauty to your day
so cheer up, dear friends. read poetry. laugh. dream big dreams. and enjoy life.
more than anyone on the earth and i like you better than everything in the sky
-sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere with such a silence and such a darkness no one can quite begin to guess
(except my life)the true time of year-
and if what calls itself a world should have the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such sunlight as will leap higher than high through gayer than gayest someone’s heart at your each
nearness)everyone certainly would(my most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love
we are very selective in who we show the real us to. the emotion-filled, imperfect, un-filtered us. to an extent, this is necessary in that it isn't healthy to pour out your soul to every stranger you meet on the street (that would be quite alarming and exhausting actually). but at the same time, why can't we open ourselves up and share our genuine stories and pasts with those around us? and don't worry, i am the master of the whole 'i am perfectly fine and have it all together and have absolutely nothing to share with you whatsoever, so you can move along' facade, when in reality i am struggle-pantsing it. so trust me, i understand the fear.
it is scary...terrifying actually. but allowing ourselves to be known by those we love and trust is one of the most beautiful experiences. i have slowly been learning how to open myself up to people in my life, but that process was kicked into high gear this week. we were forced to share our testimonies to a room full of 31 people for class. i was upset. and scared. and nervous. i had half a mind to pretend i had mad cow disease, so i didn't have to talk about my life. but alas, i went to class. and i shared. not even just the surface level stuff, my dear friends, i shared my real story. and as i was sharing i realized how worth it it was to open myself up to these people who had developed into family over the past month.
allow people to know you this year, dear ones.
“What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in
our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more
than anything else. It is important to tell at least from time to time
the secret of who we truly and fully are . . . because otherwise we run
the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by
little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put
forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real
thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it
easier . . . for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own . .
. ”
From Frederick Buechner's Telling Secrets
hello lovely friends! i hope that your midwestern snow storm has subsided and you have not been buried underneath a mountain of snowflakes. this past weekend was quite cold and rainy in ireland, but thankfully no snow decided to fall. we spent the weekend in kilkenny, visiting castles and exploring deserted ruins. to avoid the rain we visited waterford crystal factory where we not only walked around the glittering paradise itself, but we also had a tour of the factory and saw artisans making the blown glass and crystal. (one man has worked there for 40 years. talked about dedication) it was beautiful and i have a whole new appreciation for everything sparkly and glittery.
we had some free time and got to explore little cafes and stores on friday. we went to this divine chocolate shop with hot chocolate made from a chocolate fountain. we were in love.
i also discovered my new favorite boutique. it was called peaches (naturally). and had sparkles and classy dresses everwhere. i melted. and fell in love. unfortunately, i could barely afford to breathe the air in there and thought my rain drenched self would be kicked out for stepping foot into such a classy place. se la vie.
