freshman year of college i gradually developed the fear that i was not enough and for a while it continued to plague me. i felt the ever present need to be kind enough, selfless enough, smart enough, funny enough, beautiful enough....and the list went on. if i wasn't 'enough' by everyone else's standards then they would leave my life and i would be alone. at least that's what i thought. i felt the constant need to attain perfection, but the more i strove for this unrealistic ideal the more overwhelmed i felt.
about a year ago i wrote: "perfect. perfect, an adjective, meaning 'conforming
absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type.' if conforming is a concept so thoroughly
looked down upon, why is it that perfection is something expected and sought
after by so many. not only is it an
impossible ideal, it is a paradox of desiring and expecting something whose very
definition is negative and undesired. by being perfect, you must conform, but
to be perfect you have to stand strong without buying into conformity. i am exhausted. exhausted from attempting to
meet everyone else’s expectations and taking care of their needs to no avail."
it doesn't have to be this way.
over the past month i have been learning that on my own i am not enough and i am not strong enough. and i don't have to be. because God is strong enough and He is the only one that can sustain me, giving my life purpose and meaning. and He loves me and He loves you exactly the way He created us, unconditionally. if i constantly struggle to meet people's expectations i am finding my value and worth in something that will never satisfy me.
"Boundaries are about letting go of my desire to save the world, and instead joining with a God who has and is actively redeeming every situation and person. So I just get to be me. My identity is no longer consumed with being enough. And I don’t have to demand any other human be enough to mask my own not-enoughness. My old desires show up now and then, but I can recognize that urge to “be enough” for the lie that it is, and continue healing. I don’t have to be enough for you, my family, my friends, my job, my romance, my dreams, my city, or my God.
I just get to be me. Silly, ridiculous, free, friendly, small, diligent, strange, loving, fit, clever, average, learning, creative, sexy, confident, fantastic, intelligent, strong, lovable, smart, flawed, beautiful, not-enough me.
Because Jesus is enough. Because God’s love for the world is enough. Because God’s love for me is enough.
And that’s the most freeing limitation I’ve ever believed."
